Mulder and The Seven Samanthas
by Alien925
Summary: A crossover of.. hmmm... you take a wild guess!


Title: Mulder and the Seven Samanthas.  
Catorgory: Mulder/Scully romance. Humor. Snow White and   
the Seven Dwarfs crossover.  
Author: Alien925  
Disclamer: The X-Files and all of its characters belong to   
Chris Carter and Ten Thirteen Poductions. Pikachu belongs   
to...ummmm..well... I haven't gotta clue.. the creators of   
Pokemon I guess...  
Summary: What do you get if you combine A talking mirror, A shizophrenic Skinner in   
drag, one of Mulder's porn videos, Scully, Diana Fowley and seven clones of Samantha??  
'Mulder and the Seven Samanthas', Duh!!!!  
Mulder and the Seven Samanthas  
Spoilers: Quagmire and Amor Fati..  
Classification: PG-13  
My Comment: I really can't stand Diana Fowly and even though shes already dead,   
I thought I'd write her in just to make her see that M and s belong together and   
don't care about her one bit.!! LOL Sorry all those Diana Lovers out there!   
I do not know any names of porn video's so I made it up..   
I have a very weird and twisted mind u guys.. so that explains this fanfic.. I hope  
  
MULDER AND THE SEVEN SAMANTHAS  
  
" Mirror Mirror on the FBI issued bureau desk. Who is the most  
handsom man of all?" Walter Skinner spoke into his mirror and   
smoothed down the remaining hairs on his head.  
" Althought you are mighty fine, great A.D, there is one who is   
hansomer."  
Walter Skinners face pukkered into a frown.   
" Explain." he said curtly.  
" He is tall, dark and handsome. He has a fear of conspirators   
and is addicted to porn. Shall I go on?"  
Skinner muttered one under his breath, " Fox Mulder"  
Then, as if waking from a dream, Skinner shook himself and regarded  
the mirror.  
" Well," he spoke aloud "talking to yourself is the first sign of   
madness... or is it the second??"  
" Yo! Schizo!" yelled the mirror. "What are you gonna do about   
Mulder?"  
" Leave him alone?" said Skinner meekly.  
" Noooo." the mirror spoke up. " Haven't you ever heard of   
'Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs'?" the mirror took one look at   
Skinners face and said, " Obviously not."  
" You're meant to kill Mulder so that you will be the most hansome   
bureau employee of them all."  
" Ohhhhh. Right. Gotcha." Skinner said and reached for the   
cell-phone on his desk.  
He dialed a number and spoke into the mouthpiece.  
" My place. 8.00pm"  
" Ahhh. You arranged for someone to meet you so you can kill off   
Mulder..." the mirror said.  
" Ummm... not exactly.." Skinner answered. " That was my date for   
tonight."  
" Jeeze. Would you just call someone so we can get this over with   
and I can go back to saying whatever crap I'm meant to be saying in   
this story.  
" Yeah, kay." Skinner fumbled with his cell phone again and arranged   
for Diana Fowly to go down to the basement and shoot Mulder in the  
head.  
  
XxX  
  
Fox Mulder sat in his swivel chair in the basement turning round and  
round and round and round whilst listening to and half watching one  
of his x-rated movie. The cute redhead was about to do something   
interesting, he just knew it. He sat up, stopped twisting his chair  
round, and studied the TV screen intently.   
Mulder heard a knock at the door. Thinking that it must be Scully  
he quickly took the tape out of the VCR and shoved it into the inside pocket of   
his jacket.  
Before he had gotten out of his seat to open the door, it was flung   
open and Diana Fowly was revealed. Her gun pointing at his him.  
" Hi Diana." Mulder grinned and waved.   
" Fox." Diana Fowly snapped a greeting and fired her gun at Mulders   
heart. Mulder fell over immediately without so much as an * ouch,   
that hurt* noise. Diana, satisfied that her work had been done,   
marched out of the basement office to find a pathologist of some   
sort to take Mulder's heart out of his body to prove to Skinner   
that he was well and truly dead as a doornail.  
Mulder listened to Diana walking down the hall. When he was sure   
that Diana Fowly has gotten into the elevator, her sat up and pulled   
the porno video from his inside pocket.   
" Damn." he cursed as he saw the bullet imbedded in the video.   
That meant he would never find out what the redhead was about to do.   
He sighed and dumped the tape in the trash.  
He then calmly walked out of the FBI headquarters, not even bothering   
to wonder why Diana had come into his office less than 5 minutes ago  
to kill him.  
  
XxX  
  
Dana Scully marched into her apartment and quicky scanned the interior  
for a stray Cancerman, shapeshifter or Donnie Phfaster. She went  
over to the fridge and pondered on what to have for dinner.  
She was intent on keeping her body weight at 105 lbs or below so   
she plucked a single lettuce leaf off the whole vegetable and went   
over to eat it on the couch. Five minutes later saw Dana Katherine   
Scully abandon her diet and root around in the freezer to find a huge  
tub of double chocolate, full fat ice cream of which she managed to  
polish off in about 10 minutes.  
Half way through 'Notting Hill' Scully's phone rang and she lazily   
reached out and pressed the 'hands-free' button.  
" Scully." she drawled.  
" Hi. Scully. Its Mulder."  
Scully frowned. Mulder sounded scared and out of breath.  
" Mulder? Whats wrong?" she asked.  
" Diana tried to kill me." Scully bolted upright off the couch and   
grabbed the reciever in a vain attemp to bring herself closer to   
Mulder.  
" How? When?" she asked him.  
" Ummm. At about 2 this afternoon. She took a shot at me."   
Scully looked at her watch. It read 11.21pm. Why the hell was   
he telling her all this now if it happened at 2?  
" Mulder? Why the hell are you telling me all of this now if it   
happened at 2 this afternoon?"  
" Hey! I only just realised. You're the first person I told."  
" I'm honoured Mulder, but Diana tried to KILL you, and your acting   
as if she just got pregnant with your child."  
" Hmmmm." Mulder mused. Scully coughed nervously. The last thing   
she wanted him to be thinking about was having sex with Diana. God  
knows he had had sex with that slut enough times already!  
" Mulder? How come you aren't dead?"   
Mulder proceeded to explain his little escapade with the porn video  
in way too much detail than Scully would have liked.  
Eventually she cut him off and said,  
" Mulder, Its not safe for you here anymore. You have to get away  
from your apartment fast! Don't come here. This is the first place   
they'll look for you. You have to go somewhere no-one would ever   
think of looking for you.  
" The FBI cafeteria?"  
" Close.. but, no. Diana probably has spies all over the headquarters by now.   
Ummm... why don't you go to the mall?"  
" But, Sculleeee.." whined Mulder. " I hate going to the mall, even   
when YOU drag me there."  
" Exactly." Scully said and waited. She could hear the cogs inside  
Mulder brain whirring and she could swear she could smell smoke.   
" Don't think too hard Mulder." she said. " Wouldn't want to wear   
out that Oxford educated brain." she teased.  
Finally she heard an "ohhhhh" noise being made by Mulder and could   
hear the *click* of his brain as he finally registered.  
" Thanks Scully. See ya."   
" Wait! Mulder, don't hang up!" Scully yelled frantically.  
" Whats up Scully?"  
" Ummm... I just wanted to say be careful and don't get killed and  
ummmm....." she took a deep breath summoning all of her courage.   
Knowing Diana, this could be the last time she spoke to him. "and I   
just wanted to say..."  
" Say what Scully?"  
" I love you Mulder."  
" I love you too. More than you'll ever know."  
" More than Diana?"  
" Miles more. I hate Diana. She tried to kill me, remember?"  
He hung up leaving a satisfied Dana Scully on the end of the   
disconnected phone.  
  
XxX  
  
Diana Fowly walked into the basement office accompanied by Skinner   
and a pathologist who was fully equipped with a scapal.  
She pushed open the door and revealed a bare floor with no sign of  
Mulder. An angry unidentifiable noise was made by Skinner.  
" Agent Fowley!" he boomed. " I thought I told you to KILL him."   
" I did.. I ...I shot him right in the heart and then rushed away   
to get Charlotte." she guestured towards the pathogist and continued,  
"I was so sure he was dead. I shot him straight in the heart." she   
stammered.  
" Maybe this could have something to to with it." Skinner bent down  
into the trash and picked out a video with a lable reading   
' Redheads' Go Undercover' in Mulder's unmistakably scruffy scrawl of  
an excuse for handwriting. The video had a bullet in it."  
" Shit." Diana cursed. " Does that mean your not gonna pay me now?"  
" You bet." Skinner answered.  
Charlotte the pathologist signed, dissapointed that she wouldn't get  
to cut up any dead bodies, but a trip to the video store might not  
be such a bad idea....  
" Jeeze, Diana. Can't you do anything right? You are soooo fired   
from the FBI and you can forget the whole, ' my place, 8.00 thing'   
as well."   
"Well, since I'm fired I guess I can do this then." Diana kneed   
Skinner in the balls and took off down the corridor.  
Skinner, curled up on the floor of the basement office, narrowed his yes and stared at the  
' I Want To Believe' poster and mumbled,  
" You can't get the job done properly unless you do it yourself."  
  
XxX  
  
Mulder drove round the mall parking lot. The senior citizen in the  
car in front was making it hard for Mulder to travel at a speed  
above 5 miles per hour. He drummed his fingers on the steering   
wheel, he tried to remeber when was the last time he fed his fish,   
he thought about the recent government conspiracy he had uncovered,  
he thought about what it would be like to have sex with Scully and  
he tried to remember when was the last time he fed his fish some   
more before his patience wore thin and he rolled down the window of  
his Ford Taurus.   
" Hey!! Speed up in front you acient road hog!" he half yelled half   
screamed out of the window.   
The car behind stopped and Cancerman got out, gave Mulder an evil   
stare and got back in his car again. He proceeded to drive at a   
speed totaling 2 miles per hour.  
Finally Mulder pulled into a parking space. " I hate these places."  
he muttered and climed out of his car, immediately pushing his door   
into the car parked next to his.  
Mulder ran away from his car and the screeching car alarm towards the   
mall.  
He tried to decide whether he would prefer to be dead.  
  
Skinner pulled the mini skirt futher down over his hips and   
adjusted the balls of tissue paper which were serving as breasts.   
He tottered clumsily in his stilleto heels and walked over to his   
'stall'.  
  
Mulder sat, cowering on a bench on the second story of the mall.   
There were too many people. Too many screaming kids.   
Too many happy couples. Yup. He definitely hated these places.   
Mulder decided that he could be stuck in this hellhole for a long   
time to come and decided to grab a drink. He wandered over to  
Starbucks and ordered a black coffee all the while chucking to  
himself. Scully.. a Starbuck.... who whould have guessed.   
He did feel mildly sorry for what happened to Queequeg   
that night though.  
  
Skinner searched the mall for Mulder. He had guessed that this would  
be the place Scully would have sent him. They both knew of his long   
standing hatred for any place filled with swarms of people.. or bees   
for that matter.   
  
Mulder came out of Starbucks feeling refreshed, yet still slightly  
thirsty. He dug in his pockets for change and found two old parking   
tickets, an old shoelace, one of Scully's lipsticks and finally two   
quarters covered in lint. Damn. That was not gonna be enough. He   
suddenly spotted a small stall which seemed to be selling drinks of   
somesort. No one was going near it so Mulder figured that he wouldn't  
have to queue.  
The woman running the stall looked kinda familiar but Mulder could   
not work out where he had seen her before. * I wish Scully was here*  
he thought. * she would know exactly where we saw that woman.*  
Abandoning all hopes of ever remembering Mulder walked towards   
the stall.  
" How much for a soda?" he asked.  
" For you handsome," the woman spoke to him in a really high,   
squeaky voice which reminded Mulder of Skinner, " the soda is free."  
" Thanks." Mulder accepted the cup that the woman had offered him,   
shoved his two, lint-covered quarters back in his pocket and walked   
back to his bench.  
His cell phone rang.  
" Doug." he answered.  
" I... ummm.. sorry. I must have the wrong number. Sorry." Scully   
voice said into his ear.  
" No! Scully! Wait! Don't hang up!" Mulder screeched causing   
everyone to turn round and stare at him.  
" Mulder?" she asked.  
" Yeah. I decided to answer my phone in another name in case you   
were Diana."  
" I'm insulted. How are you holding up?" Scully asked him.  
" Not so good. Did I ever tell you that I HATE malls. If I hear  
one more little kid make a reference to Pokemon I am seriously gonna  
pull out my gun and shoot them, to hell with Bureau policy!!!"  
" Pik-a-chu!! Pika! Pika!" yelled Sully.  
Mulder grunted in annoyance.  
" I never knew you were a Pokemon fan Scully." he said through  
gritted teeth.  
" I'm not. My nephew, Mathew, is really into it though.   
You'll have to meet him next time they're in town."  
" I'll pass thanks."  
" Mulder, Since you don't seem to be holding up so well,   
why don't you go back to your apartment. I've had Frohike watching   
your building and he says that Diana has already been there."  
" Ok then. Thanks Scully.  
She hung up and Mulder briefly wondered why they never ended their  
conversations with a normal 'goodbye'. He guessed that whenever   
they usually ended a conversation on their cellphones it could be  
the last time they would ever get to speak to each other. So a  
simple 'goodbye' for them could mean goodbye for good. Ultimately,   
he didn't favour that last thought.  
Mulder stepped into the blinding sunshine of the parking lot and  
proceeded to try and find his car in amonst the couple of thousand  
other cars. * I should have remembered where I parked like Scully  
does* he thought.  
After half an hour of searching he came accross his car and set his   
soda down on the roof whilst he jiggled around in his pockets trying   
to find his keys. He dropped a parking ticket in the process.  
  
After a hot stuffy drive back to Alexandria, Mulder sauntered down   
the hall of his apartment building slurping his complementary drink. Suddenly he  
felt a blinding pain in his head and heart and fell down, unconcious, in the middle   
of the corridor. The contents of his pockets and the unfinished soda spilling   
all over the floor.  
  
XxX  
  
"Hi ho, hi ho, we were abducted, oh yeah, oh yeah, hi ho, hi ho."   
voices rang out from Mulders apartment complex.  
"Hi ho, hi ho, we were abducted, oh yeah, oh yeah, hi ho."  
The seven girls, all about eight years old marched along the   
corridor in a line each holding a book bag. They all had exactly the  
same features. Shiny, long black hair, hazel eyes and they all wore  
jeans and red t-shirts. They wore sticky name tags with their names   
on. The names went from 'Samantha 01' up to 'Samantha 07'.  
  
The Samanthas noticed the man lying in the middle of the hallway.   
He looked dead and all the blood had drained from his face leaving   
a bluish grey tinge to the flesh. Samanthan 05 was trained in CPR   
and bent down to try and ressussitate him. However, she felt a slow,  
yet steady pulse beating inside the mans body so decied she wouldn't bother.   
After finding an apartment key lying on the floor next to the man,   
they dragged him in through the apartment door that fitted they key.  
  
Samantha 06, the believer, mused at the apartment number. 42.   
The answer to everything in the universe. Interesting.  
  
The Samanthas laid the man down on a rather scuffy leather couch   
after they couldn't find a bed. Samantha 03 was intently studying a   
copy of 'Playboy'.  
  
XxX  
  
Scully sat on her couch, studying her phone.   
"Ring!" she comanded and pointed at the phone. No luck."   
Ring!" she tried again. The phone rang. Mildly surprised she  
picked up the reciever.  
" Scully."  
" Agent Scully?"  
" Yes."  
" This is Agent Pendrell. I was wondering if you'd like to..."  
Scully hung up.  
Sighing she grabbed her car keys and headed to Mulders apartment.  
  
  
XxX  
  
As Scully walked down the hallway to number 42 she slipped on a  
puddle and fell onto her ass. Cursing under her breath she picked   
herself up. It was only when she had drawn herself up to her full   
5ft2 that she noticed one of her lipsticks lying in the middle of   
the corridor.  
*In danger or not* she fumed, * Mulder's gonna get it for taking my  
coral pink!* She marched angrily up to number 42 and banged on the  
door with her fist.  
" Mulder!" she yelled. " I may love you and you may love me, but  
whoever said you could take my best lipstick?" she banged on the   
door once more for effect and then let herself in with her key.   
What she saw took her breath away... well.. almost.. it wasn't the   
first time she had seen him like this. She went up to Mulder and   
proceeded to give him CPR. It didn't work. She put her hand to   
his pulse though and she could feel the steady ryhmic beat.   
Desperate. She put her head on his chest and started to cry.   
She cried for him, for the life that she was now going to have   
to share alone if her never woke up. She cried for the children  
they would never have. And she cried because she remebered that  
she had left a lagsagne in the oven and it was going to be burnt   
to a crisp when she got home.  
" Mulder help me.." she whispered and grasped his face between her  
hands. " Please Mulder." she moved to his mouth and kissed him gently on the lips.   
All her feelings for him tumbing out through the kiss. He stirred   
under her.  
" You... help.. me.." he croaked. Scully smiled and pulled his head  
up to hers kissing him on the forhead.  
" I love you Mulder." she said, unaware of the seven pairs of eyes peering at  
them from the bathroom.  
  
XxX  
  
END??? .. not quite. Questions from the audience!  
What became of Mulder and Scully?  
Mulder and Scully got married. Had lots of sex and now live in a   
large house with two children called Samantha and Melissa- dispite Mellisa being a boy.   
They have a dog called Queequeg Jr and a parrot called Krycek.   
They still work on the X-Files, but now, the whole family joins in-   
including the pets!  
What happened to Diana Fowly?  
To this day, Diana Fowly hangs around on street   
corners giving seventy year old men...and cancerman hand jobs free of charge.  
And Skinner?  
Skinner is still AD and will proabably be stuck in his office   
under a mound of paperwork if you go visit him to this day.  
  
  
END- honest!  
  
Please give me feedback or something like that.. i dunno. I'm reclusive and resort to writing  
fanfics.   
Thanks!! Byeee!!!  
Please mail me @ alien925@isback.com 


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